Posts tagged mitt romney

I recently made a time machine out of a pumpkin and old cassette tapes and I had the chance to see tonight’s first Presidential debate! I’m here to report some excerpts and well it was a little stranger than I thought. Jim Lehrer, the moderator was pissfuckhoused drunk. It got a little weird…

LEHRER: Good evening America. We are about to begin tonight’s first presidential debate between two candidates…you know what? Fuck this. You two are the same fucking person when the cameras are off and there are people who have the same rights as me who are instead watching a rerun of Honey Boo Boo and eating slop from a fast food hellhole that will make them obese and diabetic and will force our health care costs up and up and up so FUCK IT WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT PUSSY.

ROMNEY: Um…well, it’s great to be here. So about the economy which my opponent has forced into the ground…

LEHRER: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Tell me and the American people about Ann’s pussy. It must be pretty loose after five boys.

ROMNEY: Excuse me? Alright you wanna play dirty? She’s tight as a fucking steamship weld down there ok? We got her plastic surgery (tax deductible of course) after every kid, two after Tagg that big fuck. She couldn’t be tighter and I couldn’t be more satisfied when I fill her up with a BAIN CAPITAL INJECTION.

AUDIENCE: GASPS…WHISPERS…CHEERING…

OBAMA: What the fuck is going on?

LEHRER: President Obama, I’ve never had a girl of the ebony variety myself, so I’ll ask you, how’s Michelle’s Motown Muff?

OBAMA: Can we talk about the economy?

LEHRER: Mitt Romney, a man whose charisma lies somewhere between a dead snail and a Marmaduke comic, answered my question, and it got me excited. NOW SPILL IT OUT.

OBAMA: ALRIGHT! SHE’S A FUCKING GODDESS IN THE SACK! Alright? I can fuck her on the ceiling for three DAYS and she can’t get enough! I WILL REDISTRIBUTE MY SEED INTO HER SWEET ASS OVER AND OVER AND SHE WON’T STOP. SATISFIED LEHRER?

LEHRER: Very. We’ll be back after these messages.

Tonight I’m going to call both my grandmothers and tell them they are disgusting parasites of the good people of this land.

They don’t pay income taxes and they survive on Social Security and Medicare after working all their lives raising families and paying taxes. Bunch of useless fucks they are.

I’m also going to call a few friends I know who served in Iraq and Afghanistan and tell them they’re useless as well because they can’t find a job and now feel “entitled” to health care, food stamps, and unemployment benefits. Cunts. GTFO.

I should also call me in college when I didn’t pay income taxes and needed the country to help me pay for college through loans. Sorry America. I’m a fucking piece of shit.

I’m going to tell my two worthless grandparents who didn’t go to college but raised a family that created college going people who are all now taxpaying adults to FUCK THEMSELVES.

Stop living off of my income, stop being “victims,” pick up a shovel and get to work.

Thank you Mitt Romney for speaking the truth about this country, that financial success is enacted by pure willpower. You are a brilliant American who is in no way a hypocritical coward.

Person: I hate taxes!!!!!! I have like $1,000,000 I make from my small business!

Romney: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Person: Why are you laughing? Did you see my penis?

Romney: No! Well, yes. I did see your penis and it is small but wonderful (don’t tell the press) but I must say if you just invested that money in a successful company you’d be better off!

Person: You mean I get taxed a different rate from my own income than you, without an income besides books and speaking instances?

Romney: I pay WAY FUCKING LESS than most people ever will. The tax rate I cum about in commercials (federal income tax) means jack shit. I don’t pay them because I don’t work (I PAY CAPITAL GAINS TAX WHICH IS BASED OFF INVESTMENTS). Don’t you see?! The people I try to get to vote are the most ignorant in the country and no statistic can prove me wrong. I guarantee there will be more uneducated people to vote for me than educated. Ironically the savior of the little man will hurt them the most. So fuck you poor people who vote for me. You’re too fucking stupid to understand what I’m doing to you and that’s awesome for me.

Person: But you said you’d lower taxes!!!!

Romney: Not income taxes baby. Capital gains bitch!!! Have you seen Paul Ryan’s plan? I won’t be paying FUCK taxes if his goes through! Even if it doesn’t I’m great! Probably not all the poor in the rural areas support me because I say those things. You know what? I don’t fucking care. I say those things because as studies show a lot of Republican voters didn’t go to college but the important ones did so you are easier to influence even though the policies I will push would hurt you in every way. The sad part is I have to shake hands with a bunch of poors and they never have any good food. Just kidding, my voters are dumb enough to not realize we don’t give a fuck about them and simply yell GUN RIGHTS, ABORTION, AND SOCIALISM.

Person: I want to vote for a third party.

Obama/Romney: LOL