Look, we can’t all be Ghostbusters. Sure it’d be ideal if we could all have proton packs (a nuclear accelerator which fires a proton stream that polarizes with the negatively charged energy of a ghost allowing it to be held in the stream while active) and ghost traps, but unfortunately ladies and gentlemen, that isn’t the world we live in.

I can give you a way that is easy AND CHEAP!

So most ghosts are pretty much sexual deviants (I read that somewhere, Cat Fancy issue March 1996) and will use their wily ghost abilities to molest you without you knowing.

Step 1: PRETEND TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN. This is pretty easy. Just take some cocaine or other adrenaline altering substance and go to bed.

Step 2: WAIT FOR A GHOST TO PUT ITS PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH. This happens more often than you think. You will know it’s in when you feel your tongue depress and a feeling of cold.

Step 3: BITE AND GRAB HOLD. This is an old trick in prison. Don’t let him go!

Step 4: HAVE YOUR DAD OR SISTER TIE HIM UP. Make sure they know certain knots (preferably the Catshank or Bottle Sling) and you are almost done.

Step 5: TAKE THE GHOST AROUND TOWN AND DO GHOST THINGS! Listen, you’re probably pretty lonely to be trying to catch ghosts so why not take your new friend for a hot dog and a smut film?

There you have it folks - CATCH YOUR OWN GHOST IN FIVE EASY STEPS!