I miss talks with my grandpa
When my grandfather was alive we always talked politics. He was a Republican and I’m not anything. He wasn’t a Republican like the completely weird ones today where it means invoking Christ or Christian ideals into every single facet of American life. He always hated that aspect. When I asked him about economic policies (for example) we could at least discuss things and agree eventually. But we...
Fart Science and the News
The great/awful part of the internet is the endless content regarding pretty much everything. News organizations love this because there are no printing costs so they put far more content than they would years ago. But sometimes, you have to wonder if limitless space is a good thing and worthwhile to the consumer. I was reading through my news feeds and came across a story about the history and...
Hi, I am basically the face of gentrification. I live in an “up and coming” neighborhood - which I define as “not completely safe yet.” And that’s probably a big offense to my neighbors who don’t like new apartment buildings and trendy bars being put in their neighborhoods, essentially changing the very makeup of their entire lives. I’ve talked to my...
jusky asked: HI TICE!
I just realized today that by going to the gym four days a week, I see on average in one day 8 penises in the locker room. That’s 128 dicks a month, and 1,664 a year. AT LEAST. That’s a whole LOT of cock. So thank you to my beautiful girlfriend for letting me see you naked when you do because I enjoy it a lot more than the daily wave of flaccid members swaying like pendulums from a...
The Strangest Haircut Ever
I snuck out of work today to get a haircut and it was crowded so I got a guy I’ve only had once long ago and he was a lot happier then. He is a Greek man named Arios, early 30s, and has a very thick accent. He was not happy today, very disillusioned with the world. The bosses of the place are a married Italian couple and blast Italian songs all day over the speakers. Within a minute of...
50 Shades of Grey made a lot of money
So I’m starting my own romance story. Here’s an excerpt. Be as honest as possible in your reviews: Chester entered the subway train. It was empty. He thought to himself “There are so many empty pussies out there just like this train. What’s wrong with me that I can’t find one to fill? Is it because of the penis growing out of my forehead? That’s off putting...
Person: I hate taxes!!!!!! I have like $1,000,000 I make from my small business! Romney: HAHAHAHAHAHA Person: Why are you laughing? Did you see my penis? Romney: No! Well, yes. I did see your penis and it is small but wonderful (don’t tell the press) but I must say if you just invested that money in a successful company you’d be better off! Person: You mean I get taxed a...
It’s always been a part of my life. I tried out for the majors (kid majors: the best kids in the city) and I had the best performance of my life. They decided I was a phenom. I wasn’t. I had an amazing day. I ended up sucking hard for the team UNTIL I broke my arm that year and ended up being the best pinch runner on the team and stole a lot of bases (which was good because I...
Truthful Tuesday - Personal Goals
This is going to sound so bro-ish and awful but it’d be fun to try so I’M SORRY. I work out a lot on my own at the gym and I LOVE it. I’m pleased with the results so far and it’s a peaceful time for me without any distractions from humanity. City life will make you insane, at least it does to me, with all the constant noise and claustrophobia, so the gym time is nice for...
I threw a tennis ball across the room many times to the dog tonight and she kept bringing it back. “You’re so simple!” I said while laughing at a movie about a tire with homicidal tendencies called “Rubber” while continually refilling my drink. “We’re not so different you and I,” the dog said, laughing maniacally.
This book was absolutely FUCKED
“The judge began to shriek and wriggle as the dirt stained beneath him and the widows nodded to one another and drew broom straws to establish a fair order and took turns at the machine gun’s trigger disintegrating the judge as a haze of steam rose from the water jacket and they fanned it with their hands and the gun hammered like a locomotive boring through the last tunnel to Hell. ...
I wrote this earlier - it's weird but so am I
It’s a story set in the future and it’s weird and I don’t know where I’m going with it but this is a piece of it. It’s called “Evelyn the Elevator.” Evelyn the Elevator was the only person who ever said anything remotely kind to Keith Hobbs. Except Evelyn wasn’t human, and her name wasn’t Evelyn – but Keith Hobbs called her that and she was his...
WE DID IT!
Yesterday I heard a woman say “WE DID IT! WE LANDED ON MARS! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!” Ma’am, you’re wearing sweatpants to work and have an obese child - you didn’t figure out how to land on Mars. NASA DID. I’ve been guilty of saying the same thing in sports - especially now with the Olympics. When the team I like wins something I...
Maybe this is contradictory but I fucking LOATHE people who hate people. For example, and this is just one example, but people who devote their lives to hating gay people in the name of “morality” or “God” or “the sanctity of marriage” I don’t give a fuck. Why do they waste their time? Seriously - is their hating going to cleanse them? I’m not gay....
I don’t remember much of 2010 like at all since I was drinking like a bottle or more of whiskey or some other liquor a night (I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT) and while I drink less now (still too much but hey) I still remember the control it had on my mind. I hardly ate, I hardly slept, I was throwing up all the time, etc. etc. and the whole time you KNOW you’re unhealthy and fucked up but...