LONG DAYS AND PLEASANT NIGHTS

Look. I don’t know what you wanted. I fucking LOVED that movie. I’m sorry for the older folks that wanted him to be a carefree fuck that smiled even though he was GOD ON EARTH.

They did it right. In this time of cynicism I can’t think of a better depiction of Superman. Was the movie perfect? No. Was it what was needed? Yes. That fucking Superman was perfect.

A lot of people died and Superman couldn’t stop it all. That’s fucking amazing. The best part of him is that while he’s omnipotent he can’t save us all.

So seriously fuck every critic that hated the movie because he wasn’t happy or cute or smiley. You’re the worst type of person.

This movie portrayed him perfectly: a person with unimaginable power figuring out what that means. I guess it would be better for you to have him negate the thought of that and just smile? Fuck you. That’s irresponsible and that’s not the Superman I know.

It’s adorable so many Americans think their lives are actually interesting enough to warrant their government to actively spy on them

I’ve never done it but I’m sure it’s really fun. Actually I never did it because it scared me so much. As a child, I was constantly told the story of Len Bias, the would be superstar of the Boston Celtics if he hadn’t overdosed from cocaine.

But what I was told was that he didn’t die from overdosing, he died from DOING cocaine. I think it stuck from when I was young because I never even thought of touching the stuff.

Maybe that’s stupid BUT! I was listening to this comedian Jen Kirkman’s podcast this morning and she said the EXACT SAME THING ABOUT COCAINE! She grew up outside of Boston as well and was also told the story of Len Bias doing cocaine and dying so she was too scared to ever touch it.

Now I don’t feel so stupid. For even more evidence that it scares me…I had a dream the other night where all I did was snort cocaine. And it felt awesome. How awesome/weird is the brain that it concocted an idea/feeling of what cocaine feels like without me ever doing it. That’s fucking incredible actually.

It was a really cool dream full of babes and drugs until I was about to die from doing too much cocaine and I woke up as if from a nightmare.

Anyway, don’t do drugs kids!

Jesus, there are a lot of internet couples here now. And you’re all saying things like “I love them” and “they are the greatest person ever” and “I’m so happy.”

Yeah yeah yeah that’s adorable but not ONE of you has the fucking decency to post a video of you fucking each other. Do you even care about the rest of us?

You know who else was selfish? HITLER. Turned out pretty good for that guy right? Oh wait, HE’S DEAD.

Thanks for nothing jerks!

No longer during the week do I drink

Thus giving me a clearer head to think

about my life choices and my career

and how little its progressed year after year

And when that happens I laugh and I think:

Jesus Tittyfucking Christ could I use a drink

Make them mean. Make them stupid. Make them ridiculous. I challenge thee, o tumblr!

All this parenting talk made me really sad. Like, it brings up things emotionally in me that I’ve tried to hide and continue to hide.

OK. DEEP BREATH.

I am a bad parent.

Do you know how many potential children I’ve killed from shooting them into the shower drain? Or condoms? Or toasters? Or people on the street? I could almost hear little Jimmy yelling “WHY DO YOU HATE ME DAD?” as he and billions of his brothers and sisters slid down the back of that chick I dated in LA.

I am a mass murderer, folks. I have to live with this fact. I’m so sorry.

Ya know, we can argue about gun control, universal health care, and privacy rights forever and get nowhere because I think you’re an idiot and you think I’m an idiot but I think the real question is: Why did Buzz Lightyear know to freeze when Andy entered the room for the first time?

It was well documented that he didn’t consider himself a toy, but an actual Space Ranger on an alien planet. Yet! When Andy enters the room the toys do their thing and freeze because it seems to be an unspoken rule of the toy world to not let humans (their masters) know they’re alive. I guess the reason could be that they would cease to fulfill their purpose: playthings for humans.

Also Buzz freezes and acts lifeless when Andy comes in the room even though he doesn’t know why toys do this. Which I guess means that it isn’t a learned trait, but an instinctual trait of toys.

But let’s dig deeper and find the real reason, ok? Let’s look at the FACTS: Buzz Lightyear is voiced by Tim Allen. Tim Allen comes from Detroit. Detroit makes cars. Who bailed out the car industry? The GOVERNMENT. Why? Well a couple years after the success of Toy Story, Disney made a movie called CARS which made a lot of money. The government bailed out the auto industry so Disney could make Cars. Essentially, Disney is actually the government. This is so fucking simple I can’t believe I have to explain this. WAKE. UP.

A lot of you hate the government like a LOT for whatever reason and it’s a little scary honestly but it makes me smile a little knowing that as part of the government, everything I buy myself comes from your salaries.

A lot of people come up and ask me “Matt, how do I get a girl to get naked and sex with me?”

I tell them the same thing every time: say you’re at a party and you see a cute girl you’d like to get to know…with me so far? Ok so grab a couple wine coolers and go over to her and start talking Star Trek.

And I know what you’re thinking, what girl wants to hear about Star Trek: The Next Generation? None, that’s who. The huge secret of girls is that they get wet for only one thing really: Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

It’s a superior show. They know it, you know it. When they hear you discuss the Cardassian enslavement and near genocide of the Bejorans be prepared for a fuckwave, because its gonna happen faster than Odo blaming Quark for something.

So finish off the wine coolers and strap on a Ferengi mask and it’s on baby. She’ll be on top of you thrusting and shouting the Ferengi laws of acquisition until sunrise.

Trust me. This has NEVER failed. Good luck guys!

While visiting the family in Boston this weekend we went to Fenway to see a game. The Sox actually won! And even more so, we almost saw a perfect game. ONE FUCKING HIT, NO WALKS, 9 INNINGS. Masterful performance.

Actually it was fine that we didn’t see history because there were two guys next to us that well, were odd. The one guy was trying to explain to the other guy the rules of baseball since he’s never seen a game or breathed apparently? Like I’m not talking “What’s a sac fly?” or “What does OBP mean?” It was far worse. He explained a hit as ”The striker tries to hit the ball not into the hands of the catchers on the field.” Also, “It’s called a strike when it goes over the white thing the striker is standing over.” Then the guy actually asked “What’s a home run?”

Yes I’m being snobby. But for god’s sake why not read what the fuck you’re seeing so you can maybe enjoy it?

I kept thinking the whole time perfect inning after perfect inning: ”If this fucking prick gets to see a perfect game and doesn’t even understand the significance of it I’m going to throw him over the fucking wall.”

But alas, one of the “strikers” in the 6th inning hit a grounder past the 3rd baseman and I was saved from murdering someone.

So I don’t really talk about anything personal on here because honestly I don’t care what you think but lately I’ve been having these stupid anxiety attacks.

I used to have them in college for some reason too. And it’s not depression because I’m very happy. They just seem to happen around large crowds of people - maybe some sort of social claustrophobia? Did I just make that up?

Anyway I don’t want to go back on any anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds because they stop my dick from working. I thought I was alone in that but apparently that’s a very common side effect - many comedians have bits about it which made me feel better sort of. What kind of fucking sadist made these pills? “You won’t be depressed on these pills but your dick won’t work so you’ll be depressed.” PYRAMID SCHEME!

And it sucks because I can come to no other conclusion that it’s physical and not mental. Like I said, I’m happier than I ever could be and I’m trying to “be a man” and not whine about it which makes it all the more frustrating that I can’t fix it. I run and exercise every day which are like natural anti-anxiety things and I think they help but who knows. Also I don’t drink alcohol on weekdays anymore so my brain is clearer than its ever been in years!

Anyway I’m excited about the weekend because I get to go see my family in Boston, see a Red Sox game at Fenway, see my brother graduate college, and hug my mom on Mother’s Day.

Life is really really great right now which is why I can’t make sense of this.

I find it odd whenever I see a guy wearing a “World’s Best Dad” shirt. He knows this isn’t true right? I mean, what would be the parameters of this? Is there a category for “Dad” traits?

• Threw a baseball to his son today, +1 point!
• Cleaned the house with the kids before mom came home, +5 points!
• Helped make a science project with Jimmy, +2 points!
• Shot up heroin and forgot his kids were in the pool and they drowned, -1 point!

Beyond that, what if this guy bumped into another man wearing a “World’s Best Dad” shirt? Would the universe implode? Would they become one and become ULTRADAD? They don’t make ULTRADAD shirts so no one would know probably.

I guess what I’m saying is these people are liars. To themselves and everyone around them and I’m gonna put a stop to it. Next time I see a dad wearing one I’m gonna draw a swastika on his kids face and say “Would the world’s best dad…have a NAZI FOR A SON?” (crowd gasps)

And then everyone at the funeral would be like “Wow not cool man, you’re pretty fucked.”

I am extremely disappointed so many of you reblogged the iPad thing yesterday. Seriously it made me sad.

I had to watch puppy videos for hours simply to quell the sadness, so in a way…thanks I guess?

So you know how humans do this thing where they say “Well on one hand blah blah, BUT on the other hand blah blah blah…”

Well what if you were an alien with 8 hands? “Well on one hand I could go to work. On the other hand I could call in sick. On the other hand I could fuck a sponge. On the other hand I could rob a bank.”

And I know what you’re thinking, that’s only mentioning four hands! Well, one of his other hands is masturbating, another is fingering his babe alien girlfriend, another is petting his spacecat, and the other is masturbating his other penis on his back.

Jeez that sounds exhausting doesn’t it? I mean, on one hand the thought of having two dicks and eight hands is pretty cool, but on the other hand that’s really weird and I should devote time to thinking about important things rather than aliens with two dicks.

Last night I got out of my stupid fancy work clothes, poured myself a bourbon on ice, turned on the Red Sox-Indians game, put on Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots on the record player, and read some new comic books I bought.

It was beautiful. The spring breeze poured into the apartment and I smiled. I said to myself in my head, “HOW COULD THIS GET ANY FUCKING BETTER?! I ASK YOU GODS, NAY! I DEMAND YOU, HOW?!”

And then Erika walked in the door.

It was a good day.

Hey kids listen up for a very fun activity that will make your belly happy.

1. Pour Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal into a bowl then pour milk over it

2. Eat (three bowls of) it and enjoy that sugary goodness

3. If you are a normal non-disgusting person you would wash the bowl and spoon and put everything away.

4. But I’m not that person. So! Pour regular old Cheerios into the remaining milk full of the sugar and cinnamon left over from the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

5. BOOM. Sugar Cinnamon Cheerios. Eat three bowls of those too.

6. Again, even a disgusting person would stop here.

7. Again, I am not that. So now you hold the bowl to your face like an animal and pour the rest of the milk into your maw.

8. Smile. You’re a hero!

9. Don’t look at your stomach in the mirror ever again.

I was just thinking about when you’re young and you learn about famous people who have contributed good things to society you, as a child, see them as something more than human, a hero if you will.

Then when you’re older you learn that a lot of those people, while they did good things, had odd personality traits - such as JFK, Gandhi, and MLK Jr all fucking everything that moved whenever they could. Or even John Lennon with his domestic abuse, or Walt Disney being a horrible anti-Semite. These are a few examples of many.

It seems with the internet which holds all knowledge, rumor, or inbetween, you cannot escape your past if it has fucked up things in there. Except for one person: Mister Rogers.

I can’t find a goddamn thing bad about that guy. Isn’t that awesome? Everything I’ve read about him that’s popped up it’s all great. That would really fuck me up if someone found something about him having sex slaves that wore blackface or something.

I’m glad because I trusted that guy growing up. For once here was someone famous that asked for your trust and had the decency to not betray it with facade.

And yet…I still think he’s flouting that cash to us a little bit. “Oh let me take off my shoes and put on my INSIDE shoes.” WELL LA-DEE-DAH MR FANCYPANTS. HOW’S LIVING IN RICHVILLE?

I take it back. Fuck that guy.

Lately I’ve seen this trend on the internet of people posting pictures with the caption: My (insert experience) > Your (insert experience) and I HATE IT SO MUCH.

1. This caption assumes I or anyone else seeing it cares about what you’re doing. Oh your cheeseburger is better than my cheeseburger? Something that has been created billions of times? Oh your day at the beach is better than my day at the office? Gee, really? Let’s be honest, I don’t care about what you’re doing if you’re explaining it in this way. And most of the time I don’t care what you’re eating, period.

2. It makes you sound like an asshole. A one-upper, a prick that no one likes. “I’m better than you because I am here and you are not here and I would like to tell you that obnoxiously instead of saying ‘Having fun with the family!’ or better yet, don’t add a caption, you idiot. A picture tells a thousand words as they say.

3. You ruin the picture. What was a beautiful picture of a hike up a mountain which doesn’t need your pointless addition is ruined. A picture of a beautiful piece of nature is poisoned by you, saying that because you are there and we are not, you are better than us - better than the mountain even. Which you are not at all. Mountains rule. Everest kills people all the time because it hates us and you.

Anyway I have an erection right now. My afternoon > your afternoon lol

That was fun. That was weird. That was sexy. You guys are weird. Let’s all have a hot dog party!